mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
