You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
