Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
