omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
