dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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