We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
