then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
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