My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
