Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
