the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
