need another drink. this is the easiest way
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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