I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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