I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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