The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
