I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
