Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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