I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
You pole danced in your parka.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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