haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
