Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
