I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
