it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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