He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
