I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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