I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
only if we run a train.
done.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
