Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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