I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
