Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Vodka?
Forever.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
