I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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