I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
