Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Damn victory sex feels great
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
