Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
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