Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
