you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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