She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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