Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
