I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
