dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Randomize
