I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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