If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
