i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
