I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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