Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
