Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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