I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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