I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
