My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
