Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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