Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
