I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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