Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
